Losing my connection
  (Alan Zacher to the tune of Losing My Religion (REM))

Windoze is bigger
It's bigger than Earth
But not quite as big as
The things that I must do now
To upgrade all my stuff
Oh no I need more RAM
I set it up
That's me in the corner
That's me on the help line
Losing my connection
Trying to keep up with OS/2
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no I need more RAM
I haven't bought enough
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you Ping!
I think I thought I saw a GPF
Every nightmare
Of velour vest wearing Borg, I'm
Purchasing new hardware
Trying to cool my CPU
Like a Pentium that become a 286
Oh no I need more RAM
Resistance is futile.
Consider this
The OS of the century
Consider this
The OS that brought me
To my knees failed
Now all these open apps have
Come crashing down
Now I need more RAM
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you Ping!
I think I thought I saw a GPF
But that was just a dream
I hope that was a dream...

(based on ELEANOR RIGBY (The Beatles)

Eleanor Rigby
        Sits at the keyboard
        And waits for a line on the screen
Lives in a dream
Waits for a signal
        Finding some code
        That will make the machine do some more.
What is it for?

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

Ah, look at all the lonely users...
Ah, look at all the lonely users...

Our system admins
        tear out their hair
        and they swear and some really do care
but cannot help us
look at us working
        spending our lives with hard drives
        'til our eyes start to go
what does it show?

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

(based on The US National  Anthem)

OLE can you C, by the fonts of TrueType,
What so proudly we mailed to our users upgrading?
Whose class libs and tool bars, through the marketing hype,
Four meg RAM cards they'd bought, final beta awaiting.
And the testers declare, fix the bugs on the share,
Codeview'd every byte of our way cool software.
Oh, say does that user friendly icon yet wave
O'er the land of the GUI,
and the Windows of the brave.

Rules for the office

If it beeps, ignore it.
If it clanks, call the repair man.
If it's a friend, take a break.
If it's a boss, look busy.
If it talks, take notes.
If it's written, type it.
If it's typed, copy it.
If it's copied, file it.
If it's Friday, forget it.

Those who can, do.
Those who can't, code.
Those who can't code, port.

(based on "Let it Be" (The Beatles))

  When I find my code in tons of trouble,
  Friends and colleages come to me,
  Speaking words of wisdom:
  "Write in C."

  As the deadline fast approaches,
  And bugs are all that I can see,
  Somewhere, someone whispers:
  "Write in C."

  Write in C, write in C,
  Write in C, oh, write in C.
  LISP is dead and buried,
  Write in C.

  I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,
  For science it worked flawlessly.
  Try using it for graphics!
  Write in C.

  If you've just spent nearly 30 hours
  Debugging some assembly,
  Soon you will be glad to
  Write in C.

  Write in C, write in C,
  Write in C, yeah, write in C.
  Only wimps use BASIC.
  Write in C.

  Write in C, write in C
  Write in C, oh, write in C.
  Pascal won't quite cut it.
  Write in C.

  {
       Guitar Solo
  }

  Write in C, write in C,
  Write in C, yeah, write in C.
  Don't even mention COBOL.
  Write in C.

  And when the screen is fuzzy,
  And the editor is bugging me.
  I'm sick of ones and zeros,
  Write in C.

  A thousand people sware that T.P.
  Seven is the one for me.
  I hate the word PROCEDURE,
  Write in C.

  Write in C, write in C,
  Write in C, yeah, write in C.
  PL1 is 80s,
  Write in C.

  Write in C, write in C,
  Write in C, yeah, write in C.
  The government loves ADA,
  Write in C.

To be or not to be - Shakespeare
To do is to be.    - Kant
To be is to do.    - Sartre
Do be do be do.    - Sinatra
Yabba dabba do!    - Flintstone

MORE ACRONYMS

Adidas  Advertising Does Influence Dumb Asshole's Selection.
        All Day I Dream About Sex.

AI (Artificial Intelligence)
        Artificial Idiot.

Amiga   A Merely Insignificant Games Addition.
        Asinine Machine Invented for Gaming Adolescents.

Apple   All Programmers Pursuing Legal Ends.

Ass     Advanced Sensor System.

Big Mac Business Is Gonna Mutilate Another Cow.

Bitch   Beautiful, Intelligent, Talented, Charming and Horny.

COBOL   Compiles Only Because Of Luck.
        Considered Obsolete By Other Languages.

DEC     Delay in Error Correction.

IBM     I Became Macintosh.
        I Been hipMotized.
        I Beg Mercy.
        I Believe in Mediocrity.
        I Blame Microsoft.
        I Bought Macintosh.
        Icky Blue Machines.
        Idiotic Bull Meter.
        Idiots Become Managers.
        Idiots Bought Me.
        Idiots Bumblers and Morons.
        Idolized By Morons.
        I'll Buy Macintosh.
        Illustrative of Bad Marketing.
        I'm Being Mobbedwithwhatdoesibmstandforanswers.
        I'm Being Moved.
        I'm Bloody Mad.
        Immense Bins of Money.
        Immense Bowel Movement.
        Immense Bucket of Manure.
        Imperialism By Marketing.
        Impossible to Become Macintosh.
        Impractical, But Marketable.
        In Business for Money.
        Incest Breeds Morons.
        Incredibly Big Machine.
        Incredibly Big Monopoly.
        Industry's Biggest Mistake.
        Incredibly Boring Machine.
        Incredibly Brilliant Marketing.
        Incredibly Brutal Motherfucker.
        Inefficient But Marketable.
        Inept Bull Meter.
        Inert Blue Monoliths.
        Inferior But Marketable.
        Installed By Masochists.
        Installed By Mistake.
        Institute of Broken Minds.
        Institute of Black Magic.
        Integrated Bad Manners.
        Intelligent Bull Meter.
        Intensely Boring Machines.
        Interactive Boot Machines.
        Intercourse Beats Masturbation.
        Intergalactic Brotherhood of Muthafuckas.
        Internal Bowel Movement.
        International Ballistic Missiles.
        International Brotherhood of Magicians.
        Involuntary Bowel Movement.
        Iron Brain Masters.
        Italian Branch of the Mafia.
        Italian Business Men.
        It Beats Mattel.
        It'll Be Messy.
        It's Better Manually.
        It's Big Money.
        It's Black Magic.
        It's Blue Magic.
        It's Boring Me.
        It's Broken, Mommy.
        It's Busted, Man.
        I've Been Misled.
        I've Been Molested.
        I've Been Mugged.

Mac     Mainly Active in Court.
        Malformed Apple Computer.
        Man Against Computer.
        Many Amateurs Computing.
        Miserable At Computing.
        Mono-tasking for All Computers.
        Monstrously Aggravating Coding.
        More Apple Crap.
        Most Atrociously Crappy.
        Most Avoid Color.
        Mouse Activated Computer.
        Multitasking Applications? Can't!
        Mundane And Costly.
        My Autistic Computer.

MBA     Married But Available.
        Money Buys Anything.


MS-DOS  Maybe Some Day an Operating System.

NFS     No File Safe.
        No File Saved.

OS (operating system):
        Oh, Shit.

ORACLE  One Rich American Called Larry Ellison

SUN     Some UNIX Nerds.
        Single User network.

VAX     Virgin At Xerox.

WWW     Wide World Wait

THE RECURSIVE (YELLOW) SUBROUTINE
   (based on Yellow Submarine, The Beatles)

In the town I went to school
There lived a man who hacked all night
And he told us of his life
In the land of Subroutines.

So we wrote some programs
In Pascal, C, or Scheme
And we saved upon the disk
Our Recursive Subroutines.

We all live in a Recursive Subroutines,
   Recursive Subroutines, Recursive Subroutines.
We all live in a Recursive Subroutines,
   Recursive Subroutines, Recursive Subroutines.

All our pointers are declared
Many arguments are also there
And the code begins to run ...

We all live in a Recursive Subroutines,
   Recursive Subroutines, Recursive Subroutines.
We all live in a Recursive Subroutines,
   Recursive Subroutines, Recursive Subroutines.

As we compile from memory
Every line is error-free
/* Comment lines are in-between */
In our Recursive Subroutines.

We all live in a Recursive Subroutines,
   Recursive Subroutines, Recursive Subroutines.
We all live in a Recursive Subroutines,
   Recursive Subroutines, Recursive Subroutines.

We all live in a Recursive Subroutines,
   Recursive Subroutines, Recursive Subroutines.
We all live in a Recursive Subroutines,
   Recursive Subroutines, Recursive Subroutines.

     Yellow Subroutine (based on Yellow Submarine, The Beatles)

     In the town from which I came
     Lived a man who programmed games.
     And he showed us lots of scenes
     From the mass of subroutines.

     We rewrote one just for fun,
     but when we hit F5 it wouldn't run.
     There's a bug that can't be seen
     In the yellow subroutine.

         We all debug the yellow subroutine,
         yellow subroutine, yellow subroutine.
         We all debug the yellow subroutine,
         yellow subroutine, yellow subroutine.

     There are lots of bugs right here.
     Many more are very near.
     We must hunt, for we're not seers,
     Until all the bugs have been cleared.

     For every one that we have found
     Two more come, and us confound.
     We will not rest; we won't be riled
     Until the program has compiled.

         We all debug the yellow subroutine,
         yellow subroutine, yellow subroutine.
         We all debug the yellow subroutine,
         yellow subroutine, yellow subroutine.

     After compilation does succeed,
     Line by line, our code we read.
     We do peruse for logic goofs,
     Our code acts like it's aloof.

     We go back and code some more
     We forgot what we wrote before.
     We deleted it, and now,
     We're in trouble, and so, somehow

Yesterday (based on Yesterday, The Beatles)
      Yesterday,
      All those backups seemed a waste of pay
      Now my database has gone away
      Oh, I believe in yesterday

      Suddenly,
      There's not half the files there used to be
      There's a deadline hanging over me
      The system crashed so suddenly

      I - pushed - something wrong
      What it was I could not say

      Now - all my data's gone
      and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay

      Yesterday,
      The need for back-ups seemed so far away
      I knew my data was all here to stay
      Now I believe in yesterday

    Unix Man (based on Nowhere man, The Beatles)

      He's a real UNIX Man
      Sitting in his UNIX LAN
      Making all his UNIX .plans
      For nobody

      He's as wise as he can be
      Programs in lex, yacc and C
      UNIX Man, can you help me
      At all?

      UNIX Man, please listen
      My printout is missin'
      UNIX Man
      The wo-o-o-orld is your 'at' command