Funny stuff part 1
Top Replies by Programmers when their programs don't work
- "That's Weird..."
- "It's never done that before."
- "It worked yesterday."
- "How is that possible?"
- "It must have a hardware problem."
- "What did you type in wrong to get it to crash."
- "There is something funky in your data"
- "I haven't touched that module in weeks!"
- "You must have wrong version."
- "It's just some unlucky coincidence."
- "I can't test everything!"
- "THIS can't be the source of THAT."
- "It works, but it's not been tested."
- "Somebody must have changed my code."
- "Did you check for a virus on your system?"
- "Even though it doesn't work, how does it feel?
- "You can't use that version on your system."
- "Why do you want to do it that way?"
- "Where were you when the program blew up?"
- "I thought I fixed that."
- "This is not a bug,it's undocumented feature."
bad addresses (memory) 0xaddbebad - May cause inaccurate calculations when accessed (add be bad) 0xaddedfee - May cause costly damage to hardware when accessed (added fee) 0xbabeface - May only be accessed by programs written by attractive programmers (babe face) 0xbaddecaf - May cause a system slowdown when accessed (bad decaf) 0xbebadfad - May cause your program to become unpopular a short time after being accessed (be bad fad) 0xbefacade - May actually be another address (be facade) 0xbedababe - May give male programmers good luck when accessed (bed a babe) 0xbeeffece - Often accessed by bull-sh** programs (beef fece) 0xcadecade - May cause programs to be as spaced out as most California residents (CA decade) 0xcafecafe - Often causes programs to pause and eat more memory when accessed (cafe cafe) 0xdeadbeef - May cause program to die when accessed (dead beef) 0xdeaddead - Often causes the entire system to die when accessed (dead dead) 0xdeaddeed - May cause other programs to die when accessed (dead deed) 0xdecbebad - This address is inaccessible to programs compiled on Digital equipment (DEC be bad) 0xdecbefad - This address is often accessed by programs that will not run on Digital equipment (DEC be fad) 0xdefaceca - Sends subliminal messages to graffiti artists when accessed (deface CA) 0xfaafccdc - Often accessed by over-regulated programs (FAA FCC DC) 0xfaafdadc - Often accessed by over-regulated programs (FAA FDA DC) 0xfefefefe - Often accessed by programs written for big iron machines* (Fe Fe Fe Fe) 0xfececafe - Often accessed by programs that eat sh** (fece cafe) 0xfeceface - Often accessed by programs written by ugly programmers (fece face) 0xfee99999 - May cause expensive damage to hardware when accessed (fee $99,999) 0xfeedface - Often causes programs to require more memory than usual when accessed (feed face) 0xfeedfeed - Often causes programs to use all available memory after being accessed (feed feed)
Six Phases of a Project
- Search for the Guilty
- Punishment of the innocent
- Praise and reward for the non-participants
I have a great idea for something to waste space in this newsgroup. We could try writing some messages that are naturally right-justified. Also, if we do something as silly as that, we could also try posts that are self-referential like this one. You might think that writing self-referential right-justified posts would be difficult, but I am writing this one with very little effort. The trick is to just make sure that you keep an eye on how many spaces remain at the end of each line as you approach it. If you think your current line of thought will go past the end, then try to rephrase the sentence to make sure that it ends at the exact point you want it to. It really isn't very difficult. Soon you will start a habit of making all of your documents perfectly fit within a given margin. One problem is that you may be unable to rephrase the sentence so that it stays within the right margin. If that happens, you must remove the sentence and come up with another one to put in its place. After all, the format is usually more important than the content of a message. This is obviously true with this message, because it has almost no content, but the style is so amazing that it forces you to read through this message ignoring the fact that it says next to nothing. Now, I will do something different. I will start to shrink the right margin by one so that it starts to head back towards the beginning of the line. See, there is so much that you can do with the style of a post without worrying about the content. I actually have no more ideas to put in this stupid post, but I must keep typing until I finally get to the left side of the screen and end with one letter. I still have a long way to go, but I'm starting to get the hang of not paying attention to content and concentrating on the shape of the text. My words seem to just flow out into this beautiful empty article. I try to make sure that I do not make typos or errors with grammar because they might make it look like I am cheating. Well, it is getting close to the left side. Less than forty more lines to go and I will be done with this message. This is starting to get very boring, but it is still not very tough to do. I think that it might get more difficult once I am closer to the end. Well, I guess I will find out in a short time, since the end is approaching. It does seem to be getting more difficult, requiring a more complete look at the line. I seem to be using words that are smaller. This might not be easy now. It is much more common for me to delete a sentence. It is almost at the end. I can see it is almost the end. Dumb is what I think this end is . You might think In fact, An Really, this it's difficult, the size odd whole idea or that there's you pick idea is a bit magic involved, for your I had silly, but actually it lines is was to even turns out to be not very write a if incredibly easy crucial; sentence it to make all the they can such that gets lines the exact be short the length people same length, as or long. of each one to think anybody can see It turns of the lines you have a after trying to out that is just a bit rare talent. do it one time. the long different from And all without ones are the length of using a hyphen! easiest. the one that came before it, as you see here; however, I can't really say a lot, can I?
- are born with black eyes and some have to fight for them.
- are easily entertained. All you have to do is sit down and listen to them.
- are funny. They spend money they don't have, to buy things they don't need, to impress people they don't like.
- are funny. They want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the middle of the road.
- are in debt because they spend what their friends think they make.
- are like the twenty-five cent stamps. You don't appreciate them until they are gone.
- can't boil water. But some do. They call it soup.
- cause happiness wherever they go. Others, whenever they go.
- drink at the fountain of knowledge, others just gargle.
Old Timer is a person who remembers when:
- a baby was an addition and not a deduction.
- a bureau was a piece of furniture.
- a caller rang the doorbell instead of blowing the horn.
- a car salesman said 500...he meant the price and not the horsepower.
- a coffee break was your lunch hour.
- a couple used to go driving in the park instead of parking in the drive.
- a day's work took a day and not a week.
- a dishwasher had to be married and not bought.
- a dollar was worth fifty cents.
- air was clean and sex was dirty.
- an allergy was just an itch and all you did was scratch it.
- doctors used to smoke and kids didn't.
- eight-forty was the time the play started and not the price of the ticket.
- he made the last payment on his house.
- health foods were whatever your mother said you'd better eat or else.
- it took a whole week to spend a week's pay.
- people aimed to get to Heaven instead of the moon.
- sex education was learning to kiss without bumping noses.
SHIT HAPPENS in various professions
|Mathematician||Shit happening is just a special case...|
|Statistician||There is an 83.7% chance that shit will happen. Maybe.|
|Physicist (Theoretical)||Shit SHOULD happen.|
|Physicist (Experimental)||To within experimental error, shit DID happen.|
|Engineer||I hope this shit holds together.|
|Chemist||I hope this shit doesn't blow up.|
|Chemist||Damn this shit smells...|
|Biologist||Is this shit alive?|
|Botanist||What this daisy needs is some fresh shit.|
|Economist||I hope no one figures out that I don't really understand this shit.|
|Lawyer||For a sufficient fee, I can get you out of ANY shit.|
|Doctor||Take two shits and call me in the morning.|
|Acupuncturist||Hold still or it will hurt like shit.|
|Surgeon||Shit, where's this organ supposed to go?|
|Psychologist||Shit is in your mind.|
|Programmer||It's shit, but at least it compiles.|
|Historian||The same shit happens again and again.|
|Politician||If you elect me, shit will never again happen.|
|Waitress||You want fries with that shit?|
|Teacher||Repeat after me: one shit + one shit =?|
|Accountant||Why doesn't this shit add up?|
|Linguist||What I'm doing is a bunch of feces tauri.|
|Farmer||I get subsidies for my shit.|
|Union leader||Give us more shit or we'll strike.|
|NYC Cab Driver||Damn, looks like I hit that shit...|
|Mechanic||Shit...this will cost a lot, mister.|
|Chef||It needs some more of this green shit.|
|Musician||This shit is out of tune.|
|Poet||My childhood was shit, let me share.|
|Developer||Shit happens on a daily basis, that's why we have maintainance programmers.|
Car Acronyms Acura Awful,Crappy,Unreliable, Rusty Automobile Automobile Causes Universal Road Accidents All Cars Usually Require Adjustment Any Child Understands Real Automobiles Americans Can Underestimate Routine Accidents Another Case of a Useless Requested Acronym? A Car Under Recall Action ALFA Another Lousy Foreign Auto Audi Accelerates Under Demonic Influence Automobile Unsafe Designs, Inc. Beetle By Everyone's Experience, They Last Eternally! Battered Everywhere; Expect To Lose Engine BMW Babbling Mechanical Wench Beastly Monstrous Wonder Beautiful Masterpieces on Wheels Beautiful Mechanical Wonder Big Money Waste Big Money Works Blasphemous Motorized Wreck Born Moderately Wealthy. Break My Windows Broken Money Waster Broken Monstrous Wonder Brutal Money Waster Bumbling Mechanical Wretch Big Money Waster Blasphemized Motorized Wreck Bastard Money Wielders Break My Window Busted My Wallet But at least my Motor Works Bullshit More Workers Bought My Wife Buick Big Ugly Import Car Killer Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer Big Ugly Indestructable Compact Killer Built Under Inspection of Cooky Korean Butt Ugly In Central Kentucky. Camaro Can't America Make A Real One? Chevrolet Car Has Extensive Valve Rattle On Long Extended Trips. Crappy Hot-Running Engines, Very Rusted Out, Lose Every Time Constantly Having Every Vehicle Recalled Over Lousy Engineering Techniques Car Has Extensive Valve Rattle On Long Extended Trips. Chevy Chevy Charged Heavily Cheapest Heap Ever enVisioned Yet Chrysler Car Having Really Yucky Stupid Lazy Engine Runs Collection of Half Realized Yet Somehow Likable Engineering Research. Citroen Crap Interior Terrible Road-holding Owned Entirely by Nutters Dodge Dead Or Dying Garbage Emitter Drips Oil, Drops Grease, Everywhere Dem Old Dudes Go Everywhere Dangerous On Days Gears Engage Death Overcomes Driver's Generous Ego Driven Only During Grey Evenings Dead On Delivery, Go Easy. Dead On Delivery Guarantee Expired. Department Of Defense's Grossest Error. Datsun Detroit's Angry Towards Sneaky Unscrupulous Nips Disgracful Auto That Stalls UNceasingly Fiat Failure in Automotive Technology Feeble Italian Attempt at Transportation Fix It Again Tony? Fix It All the Time Fuck in a Taxi. Fart In A Toalet Fails In Attemped Turns Fine Italian Automotive Technology For Italians Acceptable Technology Ford First On Recall Day First on race day Fix Or Repair Daily Found on road dead Forge Old Rancid Donuts Fraternal Order of Restored DeSoto's For Only Redneck Drivers Fought Off Recall Demands Fork Over Repair Dough For Old, Retired Drivers (backwards) Driver Returns On Foot FORD LTD Found on road dying, Left to die GEO Good Engineering Overlooked GMC Garage Man's Companion Generally Mediocre Cars Get More Chicks Got More Crap Grungy Merchandise Got Mechanic Coming G.T.i. Got Tossers Inside Honda Helping Out Nips Destroying America How Odd-No Damn Acceleration Hold Overs Not Doing Anything Hell Of a Nice Damn Automobile Highly Overpriced Non-Domestic Automobile Hand Over Dollars to Asians Here's our new dogcart, apart Jaguar Junk Always Going Under At Repair Shop Jeep Junk Eletrical and Emissions Parts Jump Excitedly in Every Pothole. Just Eat Every Pickle. Junk Everyone Eyes for Parts Jinxed Engine has Extra Parts Jumps Everything Ever Parked JUST Enough Engine Power? Junk Engineered Executed Poorly LTD Lazy tempermental device Leave the doors Laughable, Trash Dump Mazda Model All Zoids Drive Aimlessly Making A Zillion Dollars Annually My! Another Zany Detroit Asassin! Mercedes Most Every Red Cent Eventually Dissipates, Extinguishing Savings Mercury Mileage Eventually Ruins Car -- Usually Ruins You Makes Everyone Really Crave Underpowered, Recalled Yugo Makes Envisioning REAL Car Understandable -- Recalled Yet? Motorists Easily Rate Car (Usually "Real Yo-yo") Minibus Minus Insurance, No Inspection, Beat, Usually Spraypainted Mopar Most Often Passed At Races Mostly Old Parts And Rust Mostly Old Paint And Rust Making A Zillion Dollars Annually Mitsubishi's Over Priced American Replicars Nissan Now In Some Shitty Automobile Nightmare Nasty Import Sucks Savings Away to Nippon Never In Synch Screeching Awful Noises Needs Imminent Salvage So Abandon Now Oldsmobile Oh Look Dammit, Some Massive Oil Burning Idiot's Leaking Everything Old Loose Dented Sheet Metal Outdated By Infamies Like Edsel Old Ladies Driving Slow making Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everyday Pinto Put In New Transmission Often Paid Inspector Nicely To Overlook Plymouth Please Let Your Mother Out
Under The Hood! Police Laugh, Young Men Ogle, all Underestimating This Heap Pontiac Poor Old Nitwit Thinks Its A Cadilliac Poor old Newfie thinks it's a Caddy PORSCHE Puts Out Really Smoky Carbonate Hazardous Emissions Phased Out Racer-Still Can't Hold Engine Please Overlook Really Sh*tty Cardboard Horrible Engine Pulled Over Regularly So Cops Have Enough Pathetic Or Really Stupid Car for Home and is Expensive Push Our Real Sh*t Car Home Everyday Rabbit Replace A Beetle? Boy, It Tried Racy? Ain't! Bouncy, Ball-less Itty-bitty Toy! Renault Retarded Engine No Acceleration Ugly Lump of Trash Rolls Royce Royal Ostentation Lets Lethargic Shits Rumble Over Yogurt-Consuming Esthetes SAAB Stupid, Arrogant Asshole Babies Such an arrogant bastard! Swedish Automobile - Always Broken Sad Attempt At Beauty Sorry Auto, Always Broken Saabs Are Always Broken Some Accessory Always Broken Sable sleezy auto breaks leak everytime Saturn Sally Ate Ten Urdu Radishes Nightly Subaru Send Undercover Boat And Radioactive Uranium Screwed Up Beyond All Repair Usually Thing To Holland In Nine Gallons Toyota Taking Our Yen Out -- Thanks All Too Often Yankes Overprice This Auto Take Only Your Ordure To America Towed Often, Yearly Overrunning Triple A Triumph The Risk Involving Useless Machinery Pays Heavily The Risk In Useless Machinery Pays Heavily Try Reparing It Until My Peter Hurts Tried Repairing It Until My Parts Hurt! This Really Is Unreliable Man, Please Help! Trembling Ride, Intrusive Undercarriage, Meekly Powered Hotrod. Volkswagen Vehicle Owner's List: Kite String, Wire, Aluminum, Gum,Engine (NOT!) VW Very Worthless Virtually Worthless. Airline acronyms Boeing Broken Off Engines In Numerous Gardens. Delta Don't Even Leave The Airport Don't Even Let Them Aboard. Doesn't Ever Land The Airplane Don't ever let terrorists aboard Don't Expect Luggage To Arrive Don't Expect Loved-ones To Arrive Don't Expect Luggage Today at All Departures Extra-Late, Tardy Arrivals Sabena Such A Bad Experience; Never Again! TAP Take Another Plane TWA Try Walking Across Trembling Wings Airlines. The Worst Airlines Teeny Weeeny Airlines Travel With Amal Terrorists With AK-47 Windows NT... NastyTrick NerdTurds NearlyToast NaughtyToddler NoxiousToxics NewestTrick NoseTweezers NincompoopToy NextTime NotTicking NoTaste NurenburgTrials NudeTrollop NoTheory NotTrying NegativeTechnology NotablyTepid NotTamed NinjaTurtles NeedsTerminating NationalTragedy NuclearTerror NimrodTalisman NeedsTestosterone NoThanks NarcoticTendencies NebulousThinking NumnuTs NeatoTorpedo NotherTurkey NotThere NewTestament (Anton) Want more? MACINTOSH Machine Always Crashes If Not, The Operating System Hangs NTSC Never The Same Color ISDN It Still Does Nothing Inaccessible Services Doing Nothing PCMCIA People Can't Memorize Computer Insane Acronym NASA Need Another Seven Astronauts. Need Another Shuttle Also Never Ask Sheila's Aboard Not Another Sick Acronym! New American Shiny Ashtrays Now Accepting Seven Aplications. Nice Air Show A**HOLES!
Top Ten Tricks You Can Play On The Census Taker
- Excuse yourself from room & come back wearing different clothes. Repeat fifteen times.
- Shout all your responses as if you were a contestant on "Family Fued".
- Have two-headed friend hang out in living room. Ask if he counts as one person or two.
- Repeatedly ask "And how many eskimos did we count today?"
- Invite them to take shower to freshen up--then keep flushing toilet.
- Ask if you have to fill out form in pencil or is human blood okay.
- Insist on 1st amendment right to answer questions in mime.
- After his sixth beer, slip him a non-alcoholic one and see if he notices.
- Two words: plastic vomit.
- Start going "168 million and one, 168 million and two" so guy gets messed up and has to start all over.
- A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.
- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
- A free agent is anything but.
- Exceptions always outnumber rules.
- He who hesitates is probably right.
- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
- If only one price can be obtained for a quotation, the price will be unreasonable.
- Quality assurance dosen't.
- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research
(based on Dire Straits "I want my MTV") >I want my >I want my >I want my FTP Now look at them yo-yo's that's the way you do it You get the files from the FTP That ain't programming, that's the way you do it Programs for nothing and the code is free Now that ain't programming, that's the way you do it Let me tell you those guys aren't pissed Maybe break a nail on your little finger, Maybe get some numbness in your wrist We've got to install operating systems Custom software delivery We've got to move these manual pages RTFM those RFCs See the little user with his gifs and the jpegs Yeah buddy he's got root That little user got his own workstation That little user got his own disk to boot We've got to install operating systems Custom software delivery We've got to move these manual pages RTFM those RFCs I should've learned to run xarchie I should've learned to play them games Look at that mama, her gif is sticking in the monitor Man we could have some fun And he's up there, what's that? Orgasm noises? Playing sound files like a grade-school geek That ain't programming that's the way you do it Get your programs for nothing get your code for free We've got to install operating systems Custom software delivery We've got to move these manual pages RTFM those RFCs Now that ain't programming, that's the way you do it You get your programs from the FTP That ain't programming that's the way you do it Programs for nothing and your code for free Programs for nothing and code for free