Funny stuff part 1

Top Replies by Programmers when their programs don't work
  • "That's Weird..."
  • "It's never done that before."
  • "It worked yesterday."
  • "How is that possible?"
  • "It must have a hardware problem."
  • "What did you type in wrong to get it to crash."
  • "There is something funky in your data"
  • "I haven't touched that module in weeks!"
  • "You must have wrong version."
  • "It's just some unlucky coincidence."
  • "I can't test everything!"
  • "THIS can't be the source of THAT."
  • "It works, but it's not been tested."
  • "Somebody must have changed my code."
  • "Did you check for a virus on your system?"
  • "Even though it doesn't work, how does it feel?
  • "You can't use that version on your system."
  • "Why do you want to do it that way?"
  • "Where were you when the program blew up?"
  • "I thought I fixed that."
  • "This is not a bug,it's undocumented feature."

bad addresses (memory)

0xaddbebad - May cause inaccurate calculations when accessed (add be bad)
0xaddedfee - May cause costly damage to hardware when accessed (added fee)
0xbabeface -
   May only be accessed by programs written by attractive programmers
(babe face)
0xbaddecaf - May cause a system slowdown when accessed (bad decaf)
0xbebadfad - May cause your program to become unpopular a short time after
             being accessed (be bad fad)
0xbefacade - May actually be another address (be facade)
0xbedababe - May give male programmers good luck when accessed (bed a babe)
0xbeeffece - Often accessed by bull-sh** programs (beef fece)
0xcadecade - May cause programs to be as spaced out as most California
             residents (CA decade)
0xcafecafe -
   Often causes programs to pause and eat more memory when accessed
             (cafe cafe)
0xdeadbeef - May cause program to die when accessed (dead beef)
0xdeaddead - Often causes the entire system to die when accessed (dead dead)
0xdeaddeed - May cause other programs to die when accessed (dead deed)
0xdecbebad - This address is inaccessible to programs compiled on Digital
             equipment (DEC be bad)
0xdecbefad -
  This address is often accessed by programs that will not run on
             Digital equipment (DEC be fad)
0xdefaceca - Sends subliminal messages to graffiti artists when accessed
             (deface CA)
0xfaafccdc - Often accessed by over-regulated programs (FAA FCC DC)
0xfaafdadc - Often accessed by over-regulated programs (FAA FDA DC)
0xfefefefe - Often accessed by programs written for big iron machines*
             (Fe Fe Fe Fe)
0xfececafe - Often accessed by programs that eat sh** (fece cafe)
0xfeceface -
   Often accessed by programs written by ugly programmers (fece face)
0xfee99999 - May cause expensive damage to hardware when accessed
             (fee $99,999)
0xfeedface - Often causes programs to require more memory than usual when
             accessed (feed face)
0xfeedfeed - Often causes programs to use all available memory after being
             accessed (feed feed)

Six Phases of a Project
  1. Enthusiasm
  2. Disillusionment
  3. Panic
  4. Search for the Guilty
  5. Punishment of the innocent
  6. Praise and reward for the non-participants

I have a great idea for something to waste space in
this newsgroup.  We could try writing some messages
that are naturally right-justified.  Also, if we do
something as silly as that, we could also try posts
that are self-referential like this one.  You might
think that writing self-referential right-justified
posts would be difficult, but I am writing this one
with very little effort.  The trick is to just make
sure that you keep an eye on how many spaces remain
at the end of each line as you approach it.  If you
think your current line of thought will go past the
end, then try to rephrase the sentence to make sure
that it ends at the exact point you want it to.  It
really isn't very difficult.  Soon you will start a
habit of making all of your documents perfectly fit
within a given margin.  One problem is that you may
be unable to rephrase the sentence so that it stays
within the right margin.  If that happens, you must
remove the sentence and come up with another one to
put in its place.  After all, the format is usually
more important than the content of a message.  This
is obviously true with this message, because it has
almost no content, but the style is so amazing that
it forces you to read through this message ignoring
the fact that it says next to nothing.  Now, I will
do something different.  I will start to shrink the
right margin by one so that it starts to head back
towards the beginning of the line.  See, there is
so much that you can do with the style of a post
without worrying about the content.  I actually
have no more ideas to put in this stupid post,
but I must keep typing until I finally get to
the left side of the screen and end with one
letter.  I still have a long way to go, but
I'm starting to get the hang of not paying
attention to content and concentrating on
the shape of the text.  My words seem to
just flow out into this beautiful empty
article.  I try to make sure that I do
not make typos or errors with grammar
because they might make it look like
I am cheating.  Well, it is getting
close to the left side.  Less than
forty more lines to go and I will
be done with this message.  This
is starting to get very boring,
but it is still not very tough
to do.  I think that it might
get more difficult once I am
closer to the end.  Well, I
guess I will find out in a
short time, since the end
is approaching.  It does
seem to be getting more
difficult, requiring a
more complete look at
the line.  I seem to
be using words that
are smaller.  This
might not be easy
now.  It is much
more common for
me to delete a
sentence.  It
is almost at
the end.  I
can see it
is almost
the end.
Dumb is
what I
think
this
end
is
.


You might think         In fact,        An              Really, this
it's difficult,         the size        odd              whole idea
or that there's         you pick        idea              is a bit
magic involved,         for your        I had              silly,
but actually it         lines is        was to              even
turns out to be         not very        write a              if
incredibly easy         crucial;        sentence             it
to make all the         they can        such that           gets
lines the exact         be short        the length         people
same length, as         or long.        of each one       to think
anybody can see         It turns        of the lines     you have a
after trying to         out that        is just a bit   rare talent.
do it one time.         the long        different from
And all without         ones are        the length of
using a hyphen!         easiest.        the one that
                                        came before
                                        it, as you
                                        see here;
                                        however,
                                        I can't
                                        really
                                        say a
                                        lot,
                                        can
                                        I?

Some people
  • are born with black eyes and some have to fight for them.
  • are easily entertained. All you have to do is sit down and listen to them.
  • are funny. They spend money they don't have, to buy things they don't need, to impress people they don't like.
  • are funny. They want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the middle of the road.
  • are in debt because they spend what their friends think they make.
  • are like the twenty-five cent stamps. You don't appreciate them until they are gone.
  • can't boil water. But some do. They call it soup.
  • cause happiness wherever they go. Others, whenever they go.
  • drink at the fountain of knowledge, others just gargle.

Old Timer is a person who remembers when:
  • a baby was an addition and not a deduction.
  • a bureau was a piece of furniture.
  • a caller rang the doorbell instead of blowing the horn.
  • a car salesman said 500...he meant the price and not the horsepower.
  • a coffee break was your lunch hour.
  • a couple used to go driving in the park instead of parking in the drive.
  • a day's work took a day and not a week.
  • a dishwasher had to be married and not bought.
  • a dollar was worth fifty cents.
  • air was clean and sex was dirty.
  • an allergy was just an itch and all you did was scratch it.
  • doctors used to smoke and kids didn't.
  • eight-forty was the time the play started and not the price of the ticket.
  • he made the last payment on his house.
  • health foods were whatever your mother said you'd better eat or else.
  • it took a whole week to spend a week's pay.
  • people aimed to get to Heaven instead of the moon.
  • sex education was learning to kiss without bumping noses.

SHIT HAPPENS in various professions
MathematicianShit happening is just a special case...
StatisticianThere is an 83.7% chance that shit will happen. Maybe.
Physicist (Theoretical)Shit SHOULD happen.
Physicist (Experimental)To within experimental error, shit DID happen.
EngineerI hope this shit holds together.
ChemistI hope this shit doesn't blow up.
ChemistDamn this shit smells...
BiologistIs this shit alive?
BotanistWhat this daisy needs is some fresh shit.
EconomistI hope no one figures out that I don't really understand this shit.
LawyerFor a sufficient fee, I can get you out of ANY shit.
DoctorTake two shits and call me in the morning.
AcupuncturistHold still or it will hurt like shit.
SurgeonShit, where's this organ supposed to go?
PsychologistShit is in your mind.
ProgrammerIt's shit, but at least it compiles.
HistorianThe same shit happens again and again.
PoliticianIf you elect me, shit will never again happen.
WaitressYou want fries with that shit?
TeacherRepeat after me: one shit + one shit =?
AccountantWhy doesn't this shit add up?
LinguistWhat I'm doing is a bunch of feces tauri.
FarmerI get subsidies for my shit.
Union leaderGive us more shit or we'll strike.
NYC Cab DriverDamn, looks like I hit that shit...
MechanicShit...this will cost a lot, mister.
ChefIt needs some more of this green shit.
MusicianThis shit is out of tune.
PoetMy childhood was shit, let me share.
DeveloperShit happens on a daily basis, that's why we have maintainance programmers.

Car Acronyms

Acura   Awful,Crappy,Unreliable, Rusty Automobile
        Automobile Causes Universal Road Accidents
        All Cars Usually Require Adjustment
        Any Child Understands Real Automobiles
        Americans Can Underestimate Routine Accidents
        Another Case of a Useless Requested Acronym?
        A Car Under Recall Action

ALFA    Another Lousy Foreign Auto

Audi    Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
        Automobile Unsafe Designs, Inc.

Beetle  By Everyone's Experience, They Last Eternally!
        Battered Everywhere; Expect To Lose Engine

BMW     Babbling Mechanical Wench
        Beastly Monstrous Wonder
        Beautiful Masterpieces on Wheels
        Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
        Big Money Waste
        Big Money Works
        Blasphemous Motorized Wreck
        Born Moderately Wealthy.
        Break My Windows
        Broken Money Waster
        Broken Monstrous Wonder
        Brutal Money Waster
        Bumbling Mechanical Wretch
        Big Money Waster
        Blasphemized Motorized Wreck
        Bastard Money Wielders
        Break My Window
        Busted My Wallet
        But at least my Motor Works
        Bullshit More Workers
    Bought My Wife

Buick   Big Ugly Import Car Killer
        Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer
        Big Ugly Indestructable Compact Killer
        Built Under Inspection of Cooky Korean
        Butt Ugly In Central Kentucky.

Camaro  Can't America Make A Real One?

Chevrolet
        Car Has Extensive Valve Rattle On Long Extended Trips.
        Crappy Hot-Running Engines, Very Rusted Out, Lose Every Time
        Constantly Having Every Vehicle Recalled Over Lousy
           Engineering Techniques
        Car Has Extensive Valve Rattle On Long Extended Trips.

Chevy   Chevy   Charged Heavily
        Cheapest Heap Ever enVisioned Yet

Chrysler
        Car Having Really Yucky Stupid Lazy Engine Runs
        Collection of Half Realized Yet Somehow Likable
            Engineering Research.

Citroen Crap Interior Terrible Road-holding Owned Entirely by Nutters

Dodge   Dead Or Dying Garbage Emitter
        Drips Oil, Drops Grease, Everywhere
        Dem Old Dudes Go Everywhere
        Dangerous On Days Gears Engage
        Death Overcomes Driver's Generous Ego
        Driven Only During Grey Evenings
        Dead On Delivery, Go Easy.
        Dead On Delivery Guarantee Expired.
        Department Of Defense's Grossest Error.

Datsun  Detroit's Angry Towards Sneaky Unscrupulous Nips
        Disgracful Auto That Stalls UNceasingly

Fiat    Failure in Automotive Technology
        Feeble Italian Attempt at Transportation
        Fix It Again Tony?
        Fix It All the Time
        Fuck in a Taxi.
        Fart In A Toalet
        Fails In Attemped Turns
        Fine Italian Automotive Technology
        For Italians Acceptable Technology

Ford    First On Recall Day
        First on race day
        Fix Or Repair Daily
        Found on road dead
        Forge Old Rancid Donuts
        Fraternal Order of Restored DeSoto's
        For Only Redneck Drivers
        Fought Off Recall Demands
        Fork Over Repair Dough
        For Old, Retired Drivers
        (backwards)     Driver Returns On Foot

FORD LTD
        Found on road dying, Left to die

GEO     Good Engineering Overlooked

GMC     Garage Man's Companion
        Generally Mediocre Cars
        Get More Chicks
        Got More Crap
        Grungy Merchandise
        Got Mechanic Coming

G.T.i.  Got Tossers Inside

Honda   Helping Out Nips Destroying America
        How Odd-No Damn Acceleration
        Hold Overs Not Doing Anything
        Hell Of a Nice Damn Automobile
        Highly Overpriced Non-Domestic Automobile
        Hand Over Dollars to Asians
        Here's our new dogcart, apart

Jaguar  Junk Always Going Under At Repair Shop

Jeep    Junk Eletrical and Emissions Parts
        Jump Excitedly in Every Pothole.
        Just Eat Every Pickle.
        Junk Everyone Eyes for Parts
        Jinxed Engine has Extra Parts
        Jumps Everything Ever Parked
        JUST Enough Engine Power?
        Junk Engineered Executed Poorly

LTD     Lazy tempermental device
        Leave the doors
        Laughable, Trash Dump

Mazda   Model All Zoids Drive Aimlessly
        Making A Zillion Dollars Annually
        My! Another Zany Detroit Asassin!

Mercedes
        Most Every Red Cent Eventually Dissipates, Extinguishing Savings

Mercury Mileage Eventually Ruins Car -- Usually Ruins You
        Makes Everyone Really Crave Underpowered, Recalled Yugo
        Makes Envisioning REAL Car Understandable -- Recalled Yet?
        Motorists Easily Rate Car (Usually "Real Yo-yo")

Minibus Minus Insurance, No Inspection, Beat, Usually Spraypainted

Mopar   Most Often Passed At Races
        Mostly Old Parts And Rust
        Mostly Old Paint And Rust
        Making A Zillion Dollars Annually
        Mitsubishi's Over Priced American Replicars

Nissan  Now In Some Shitty Automobile Nightmare
        Nasty Import Sucks Savings Away to Nippon
        Never In Synch Screeching Awful Noises
        Needs Imminent Salvage So Abandon Now

Oldsmobile
        Oh Look Dammit, Some Massive Oil Burning Idiot's Leaking Everything
        Old Loose Dented Sheet Metal Outdated By Infamies Like Edsel
        Old Ladies Driving Slow making
           Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everyday

Pinto   Put In New Transmission Often
        Paid Inspector Nicely To Overlook

Plymouth
        Please Let Your Mother Out  Under The Hood!
        Police Laugh, Young Men Ogle, all Underestimating This Heap

Pontiac Poor Old Nitwit Thinks Its A Cadilliac
        Poor old Newfie thinks it's a Caddy

PORSCHE Puts Out Really Smoky Carbonate Hazardous Emissions
        Phased Out Racer-Still Can't Hold Engine
        Please Overlook Really Sh*tty Cardboard Horrible Engine
        Pulled Over Regularly So Cops Have Enough
        Pathetic Or Really Stupid Car for Home and is Expensive
        Push Our Real Sh*t Car Home Everyday

Rabbit  Replace A Beetle? Boy, It Tried
        Racy? Ain't! Bouncy, Ball-less Itty-bitty Toy!

Renault Retarded Engine No Acceleration Ugly Lump of Trash

Rolls Royce
        Royal Ostentation Lets Lethargic Shits
                   Rumble Over  Yogurt-Consuming   Esthetes

SAAB    Stupid, Arrogant Asshole Babies
        Such an arrogant bastard!
        Swedish Automobile - Always Broken
        Sad Attempt At Beauty
        Sorry Auto, Always Broken
        Saabs Are Always Broken
        Some Accessory Always Broken

Sable   sleezy auto breaks leak everytime

Saturn  Sally Ate Ten Urdu Radishes Nightly

Subaru  Send Undercover Boat And Radioactive Uranium
        Screwed Up Beyond All Repair Usually

Thing   To Holland In Nine Gallons

Toyota  Taking Our Yen Out -- Thanks All
        Too Often Yankes Overprice This Auto
        Take Only Your Ordure To America
        Towed Often, Yearly Overrunning Triple A

Triumph The Risk Involving Useless Machinery Pays Heavily
        The Risk In Useless Machinery Pays Heavily
        Try Reparing It Until My Peter Hurts
        Tried Repairing It Until My Parts Hurt!
        This Really Is Unreliable Man, Please Help!
        Trembling Ride, Intrusive Undercarriage, Meekly Powered Hotrod.

Volkswagen  Vehicle Owner's List: Kite String,
                  Wire, Aluminum, Gum,Engine (NOT!)

VW      Very Worthless
        Virtually Worthless.

Airline acronyms

Boeing  Broken Off Engines In Numerous Gardens.

Delta   Don't Even Leave The Airport
        Don't Even Let Them Aboard.
        Doesn't Ever Land The Airplane
        Don't ever let terrorists aboard
        Don't Expect Luggage To Arrive
        Don't Expect Loved-ones To Arrive
        Don't Expect Luggage Today at All
        Departures Extra-Late, Tardy Arrivals

Sabena  Such A Bad Experience; Never Again!

TAP     Take Another Plane

TWA     Try Walking Across
        Trembling Wings Airlines.
        The Worst Airlines
        Teeny Weeeny Airlines
        Travel With Amal
        Terrorists With AK-47

Windows NT...

 NastyTrick              NerdTurds               NearlyToast
 NaughtyToddler          NoxiousToxics           NewestTrick
 NoseTweezers            NincompoopToy           NextTime
 NotTicking              NoTaste                 NurenburgTrials
 NudeTrollop             NoTheory                NotTrying
 NegativeTechnology      NotablyTepid            NotTamed
 NinjaTurtles            NeedsTerminating        NationalTragedy
 NuclearTerror           NimrodTalisman          NeedsTestosterone
 NoThanks                NarcoticTendencies      NebulousThinking
 NumnuTs                 NeatoTorpedo            NotherTurkey
 NotThere                NewTestament     (Anton)

 Want more?
 MACINTOSH
        Machine Always Crashes If  Not, The Operating System Hangs
 NTSC   Never The Same Color
 ISDN   It Still Does Nothing
        Inaccessible Services Doing Nothing
 PCMCIA People Can't Memorize Computer Insane Acronym
 NASA   Need Another Seven Astronauts.
        Need Another Shuttle Also
        Never Ask Sheila's Aboard
        Not Another Sick Acronym!
        New American Shiny Ashtrays
        Now Accepting Seven Aplications.
        Nice Air Show A**HOLES!

Top Ten Tricks You Can Play On The Census Taker
  1. Excuse yourself from room & come back wearing different clothes. Repeat fifteen times.
  2. Shout all your responses as if you were a contestant on "Family Fued".
  3. Have two-headed friend hang out in living room. Ask if he counts as one person or two.
  4. Repeatedly ask "And how many eskimos did we count today?"
  5. Invite them to take shower to freshen up--then keep flushing toilet.
  6. Ask if you have to fill out form in pencil or is human blood okay.
  7. Insist on 1st amendment right to answer questions in mime.
  8. After his sixth beer, slip him a non-alcoholic one and see if he notices.
  9. Two words: plastic vomit.
  10. Start going "168 million and one, 168 million and two" so guy gets messed up and has to start all over.

Unwritten laws
  • A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.
  • A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
  • A free agent is anything but.
  • Exceptions always outnumber rules.
  • He who hesitates is probably right.
  • If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
  • If only one price can be obtained for a quotation, the price will be unreasonable.
  • Quality assurance dosen't.
  • To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research

   (based on Dire Straits "I want my MTV")

     >I want my
     >I want my
     >I want my FTP

     Now look at them yo-yo's that's the way you do it
     You get the files from the FTP
     That ain't programming, that's the way you do it
     Programs for nothing and the code is free
     Now that ain't programming, that's the way you do it
     Let me tell you those guys aren't pissed
     Maybe break a nail on your little finger,
     Maybe get some numbness in your wrist

     We've got to install operating systems
     Custom software delivery
     We've got to move these manual pages
     RTFM those RFCs

     See the little user with his gifs and the jpegs
     Yeah buddy he's got root
     That little user got his own workstation
     That little user got his own disk to boot

     We've got to install operating systems
     Custom software delivery
     We've got to move these manual pages
     RTFM those RFCs

     I should've learned to run xarchie
     I should've learned to play them games
     Look at that mama, her gif is sticking in the monitor
     Man we could have some fun
     And he's up there, what's that?  Orgasm noises?
     Playing sound files like a grade-school geek
     That ain't programming that's the way you do it
     Get your programs for nothing get your code for free

     We've got to install operating systems
     Custom software delivery
     We've got to move these manual pages
     RTFM those RFCs

     Now that ain't programming, that's the way you do it
     You get your programs from the FTP
     That ain't programming that's the way you do it
     Programs for nothing and your code for free
     Programs for nothing and code for free